I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
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There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*