Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
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Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…