[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*