Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
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Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I get distracted pretty eas
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?