*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I created you as mosquito food.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game