In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
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[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
definitely did not do anything wrong
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*