Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
As the Lord intended
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest