That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
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Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.