*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Waiting for the Charmin
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.