[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
You Might Also Like
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
This fish is cracking me up
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality