My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.