How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
scares
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Bro what is this
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.