ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.