Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Flock of bats
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers