Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*