Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.