[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run