If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
When your parents check you’re ok.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Jurassic park gets weird
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.