Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
i think we should see other cousins
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
This is a whole mood;
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.