My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
You Might Also Like
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
And that about sums it up.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.