You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.