My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
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When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Effort made