In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.