Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I am yelling
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
new year update: losing everything but weight
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.