Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
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ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles