I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Match dot com, but for socks.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.