I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”