My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I created you as mosquito food.
Ummm
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.