Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
no regrets
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
yea so i messed up lol
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock