*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
my proudest tweet