Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
You Might Also Like
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.