Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Velcrow
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions