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ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted