*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Eat…
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.