Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Put the is in disheveled
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!