For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
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Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…