Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.