Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I am yelling
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.