Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.