[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
You Might Also Like
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.