Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
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[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
uncle dave has been through hell
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Inside you there are two wolves
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*