parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Damn he played himself
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.