Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.