Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
You Might Also Like
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.