I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
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Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.