Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
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me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?