Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.