oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I created you as mosquito food.
How it started: How it’s going:
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”