ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics