Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
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I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Blew my mind.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’m going to need a moment here.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.